To Tell or Not to Tell

Sperminator and I came up with a bit of a dilemma tonight while we were driving home from family dinner.

If we do IVF, and it works, there is still no guarantee that it will actually stick and result in a bambino. We are both pretty sure the first one is not going to work, ( a little morbid, right?) so we want to try and keep our excitement down until 3 months in. In a normal pregnancy most people like to wait 12 weeks, until the "Safe Zone", to let people in on their excitement. However, with IVF, everyone is going to know right away.

So how do we keep it from everyone? If we say "you know, we want to wait another 12 weeks to tell you", then it is obvious it worked. Why would you wait 3 months to tell everyone it did not work?

Before we actually do do anything, we have to experiment with the hormones, etc., which makes us wonder...

Maybe we will not tell anyone we are starting the actual cycle, that way we don't have to say yes or no and can wait until we are ready.

What do you guys think?

Waiting.

We are still waiting on a call from the Doctor Man to tell us about the results of my blood labs or to make an appointment to talk about them, I had them taken two weeks ago which makes me a little nervous. Hubster and I aren't sure how long they were supposed to take, but if we don't hear back by Tuesday afternoon, we'll give them a call.

Waiting, I have to say, is almost worse than getting the bad news.

Today as I was scanning through Facebook I saw a picture of a girl I knew from college holding a baby and the caption said "After 8 months of pregnancy, I'm finally baby hungry." I'm hoping she just worded it wrong, (unlikely) but it made me feel that she was ungrateful for her growing baby.

Really? You are just now excited to be having a baby? Don't you know how badly some people want this and you are just finally baby hungry?

I'm trying to not take things like that to heart and try to see from their perspective, but it really is difficult. Like when you show your excitement new preggers and they seem so put off by this baby because it was accident. Nothing makes me more upset than accidental babies that aren't appreciated.

I was talking to my husband a few nights ago and couldn't describe the way I was feeling. The best way I was able to put it was that I don't want people to feel sorry for us. I want them to see that we are going through a rough time and be more sensitive with what they say and beyond that, I want them to appreciate their kids that they were able to have. Whether these kids got here on accident, on purpose, through medical intervention, whatever.

You did it! You have a miracle. Go kiss them and squeeze and tell them how much you love them right now. Don't take it for granted, because you want something so much more when you may not ever get it. 

The Fight for Baby Goes On

Wednesday night, we went over to my parents' house and filled them in. Still need to tell all the siblings, but it's hard to find a good way  or time to tell them. Hubs and I also went over there to ask if I could be put on my dad's insurance. I'm under 26 so I can still be on there and his covers infertility, IVF, everything! That was really nice to find out.

When we went to see the Baby Making Doc on Thursday we were hoping to get the lab results back but he didn't have that information. Now we have to wait until after Christmas to get the results back. My HSG showed that nothing is blocked, which is the only good news we've gotten so far. Hubs also gave his sample, and the count came back low. Although the count was low, the quality is apparently pretty awesome.

With all that said, the Doctor Man did tell us that the two of us naturally conceiving a child is near impossible. We expected that, but it's still a bummer.

I've always wanted that excitement of just finding out I was pregnant one month and surprising Hubs in a cute way, but now we know it won't ever happen.

We've needed a bit of a pick me up since all of this crazy news has happened lately. I came home from work on Tuesday and found this little surprise!

She is super cute, but puppies are hard work! We're learning how to train her and I think she's learning, but still not there, yet.

On the plus side.

I know, I know, I know.

I haven't exactly had the most positive attitude about this situation, but I really am trying.

Last night the Sperminator let his family in on it. He called to talk to his mom about something and brought up this lovely scenerio and then the rest of the clan got wind. I knew it was going to happen and needed to happen but I just wasn't prepared for it.

See, I've always been very personal and private. Granted if you ask me a question I will give you the full on honest answer, but I have never been the one to openly share information with people. I like to know everything first, gather all the information and then go and tell if it needs to be told and in this case it did... Only I wish we had all the test results back.

What we do know is that I can't get pregnant the natural and romantic way and we're not even sure if IVF is going to be an option yet. Still need to find out if any of my eggs are good or if they're all rotten.

Today was my last day of Clomid! I was so excited to see that empty orange bottle when I left for work this morning.

**Today was my second day on the job and we are both loving this part time thing!

So for at least 24 hours I will be drug free, well with whatever is left in my system. I'm not too sure how things will go on Thursday, but we're hoping for the best. As for right now, I'm cozy in my bed and turning on some season 5 of Giuliana and Bill... Those Rancics may teach us a thing or two.

P.s. Anyone know where to get season 6?

Seriously.

This past week has been exhausting. I don't think I have ever been so emotionally drained.

I'm not handling this whole ordeal very well. In fact, I'm not handling it well at all.

Before we knew things were this bad and were just trying, I was still so excited and happy to see my friends get pregnant and have their babies, then get pregnant again... A little jealous it wasn't me but I could still be happy for them. As of right now, my Facebook newsfeed has been plastered with new baby pictures, growing bump pictures, Babies first birthdays and pregnancy announcements.

Those are the worst.

Seeing their faces with huge smiles holding up a picture of the ultrasound and due date, and it absolutely kills me. I don't read many Blogs anymore mostly due the fact that it's all about their kids and what they are doing and I keep thinking "you have no idea how lucky you are."

Even before all of this started, I always felt bad for people with infertility problems. I felt awful for those trying so hard for one, but less bad for those who had kids already and were having trouble with conceiving their fourth or fifth or whatever they were on. Even now I feel like a bad person for feeling like that. They have absolutely no idea what it feels like to know that you may never have even just one of your own kids. Girls who are frustrated because they can count the number of months they've been trying on less than one hand and now I need three, and we're almost to four. What makes it worse is when they try to console you and say that they understand. But honestly, they have no idea in the world what it feels like.

This Sunday, I sat in church and looked at all the kids with their moms and it broke my heart. The last straw was when the kids then got up to sing Christmas songs. I told Mister I had to leave, it was way too hard for me to be around anyone that day let alone babies and siblings wearing matching outfits with bows in their hair.

I left sobbing, tears streaming down my face trying so hard for no one to see me but of course they did.

I know I'm not the only one struggling with this, but I'm also one of the 10% that have trouble meaning the majority of couples out there can't relate. The biggest thing I can't get out of my head is the fact that our Baby-Making-Doctor suggested we may need a donor egg meaning my babies wouldn't look like me. They'd look like their dad and some random lady I don't even know. And who is this person? Is she a druggy that needed drug money so she donated an egg? A poor college student who needed the money to pay for crappy food, a disgusting apartment and those super cute shoes she wanted? Was it someone who genuinely wanted to help couples like us?

When I was in college, one of my roommates donated some of her eggs. They paid about $3k per egg, plus her airfare to wherever they were doing the retrieval and her room and food while she was there. Back then I just thought it was weird she was doing it... and to be honest, a little funny. But now I feel even more weirded out about that.

I've been taking my Clomid and I can definitely feel it. It makes me cry about everything, it makes me moody, it makes me hot! Tonight I was driving home from work (my new part time job), and hit a red light. I started crying hysterically all because of the red light! I got home and told the Sperminator about that (get it?! Yeah, I made it up tonight) and he laughed. Then when I was making dinner I almost spilled again because I accidentally got corn starch instead of corn meal at the store on Saturday.

Thursday can't come soon enough. That's when I go in for my HSG test, follow up on all the blood work I had done on Saturday, and have the Hubs do his part. So far every time we've talked to the Doc he's only had bad news, and that includes the call on from Friday night at 8pm. Hoping to get more conclusive  numbers and some good news. As for right now, I just have to sit and wait.

Leaving Work

Last week, I quit my full time job. I had just been out for a week getting my tonsils out, and even though I felt like I wanted die, I was happy.

I was so happy I didn't have to work. Truth is, I hadn't been happy there for a long time. See, when I do something, I do it well and I am the best at it. So when I'm not good at something or the best at it and I've already worked really hard and I know that trying harder still won't get me there I quit.

I was not doing well there. I had voiced some complaints to my managers a few times and nothing changed. Most of all, though, I knew that I wasn't healthy. I was stressed, I felt bad about myself all the time, I was emotional, I was not the happy person that I am... all in all I was not myself and I saw it and saw the way it was hurting relationships.

Hubs and I knew something was wrong at this point and that we were going to need help. And this kind of help is not something you can plan for. It's so very time sensitive that sometimes you need to go in that day, and with my full time job I just couldn't do that.

All in all I knew that the best thing for us to do was for me to quit that job. Get something part time that be much more manageable with fertility treatments. It would take off the stress and the unhappiness I was experiencing.

I told my manager that I would be leaving and he told the department head, even though that was my job.

By the time I got to tell him, he was already mad. I was definitely not going to explain anything about infertility to him so I gave him the generic "I have some personal and health issues that I need to take care of." Of course I also told him I had some frustrations with the way things were going for me due to my lack achieving goals as well as co-workers. He tossed my "personal and health" issues to the side and kept saying "well, you didn't come talk to me" or had an excuse to backlash at me about the company.

Our conversation was about two minutes long and he kept saying "I need to go work out".

Really?

I gave him my two weeks notice which he told me "not to bother coming back in. No point."

I left upset. Mostly because he didn't care why I was leaving. Seemed very selfish to me the fact he couldn't see that this was more than just leaving his workplace. I always try to leave things on a good note with whatever it is, but this time it was bad. It was really really bad.

Human Experimentation.

Glucose drink. At least I got Fruit Punch which I've heard is better than Orange.

As for now, we're still getting all of our diagnostic testing done and trying not to  get too down on this whole "chances are looking pretty slim, we're going to have to try really hard, only have 1-2 years, body thinks your 42/menopause" thing until everything is conclusive.

Today I went in to get a crap-load of blood work done. They tested my 17-OH Progesterone LCMS, Insulin, Glucose, Androslenedione, my Metabolic Panel (14 things in that), DHEA-Sulfate, a Lipid Panel, Prolactin,  Testosterone (Free and Total), TSH and then something else that was added last minute but I don't know what it was.

*Kudos to you if you want all of those are for/do.

For glucose, they take your blood right away, then have you drink a super sugary drink, take blood an hour later, then again in another hour. (Baseline, 1 hour, 2 hour)

When I went in for my baseline, the girl was not very nice. She tried twice on one arm and could get barely any which was not enough for all the tubes I had to fill. Because she needed more blood, she tried the other arm which filled up quicker. While the tubes were filling, I started feeling really lightheaded and nauseous and clammy... the works. Maybe I should mention at this point that I have a history of passing out when giving blood, not because of the blood, but because my weight can't handle the amount usually taken (so I've been told).

An hour later, I had another lady. This time I laid down, directed her to my left arm, butterfly needle please and did much better.

Left

Right

*I bruise pretty easily, and these are already purple/blue/green.




The last time was the easiest. Yet another girl took my blood. Again I laid down, asked her to use my left arm and butterfly needle, and she talked to me while she inserted the needle so I was distracted.

I'm really hoping that these results come back better than the last ones. I have one more test, the one where they inject the lady parts with dye to make sure nothing is blocked and then the husband is up. We're really hoping his little swimmers are a lot like Michael Phelps because that would put us with 1 piece of good news and hopefully improve our chances.

Until next time....

The Very Beginning.

It's pretty much decided that we cannot have a baby with out the help of Modern Medicine.

Someday, hopefully, we will have a wee-one which will be what I like to call, a Science Baby.

It all started about a year ago. The Mister and I decided that we were ready to have a baby. So, we pulled the goalie and waited to see what happened. A few months went by and no baby. Now we started "trying". You know, trying to calculate when to do "the deed", sticking my legs in the air, pillow under the hips, the whole nine yards and still nothing.

Finally, a friend came out about the infertility she and her husband were experiencing and offered up if anyone had any questions to just ask so I took her for her offer and asked. That's when she recommended the Dr. Mister and I made an appointment and saw the "Baby Making Doctor". First day went well. We talked about my history, my family history and then Hubster's history and family history. He said that since we were both young and in pretty good shape that the problem may be low Estrogen and my endometriosis, so to do some diagnostic testing, start the Clomid and go from there. We did one blood test that day, but I'm still due for more. At this point he was pretty hopeful.

*Side note: First day of Clomid and I'm already having side effects. Mood swings and HOT flashes!*

The next day I went in for an internal ultrasound. Not the most pleasant experience of my life, but neither is the Gyno! Hubster was unable to come because he had to work and we both thought it would be a pretty simple appointment and we wouldn't get much information from the Baby Maker.

As it goes, my ovaries are teeny tiny, one has zero follicles and the other has 4-5. Now women my age usually have 6-8 follicles in each ovary. Next problem, my uterine lining is really thin... the thinnest he's ever seen. Fan-freaking-tastic. and last but certainly not least, my eggs and the rest of the lady parts are acting as if they are 42, which I am no where near!

I left pretty disappointed.

Later that evening we got a phone call. From the Doc. Which usually means bad news. And of course, it was.

He said that getting me empregnito is going to pretty difficult. Not only because all of thee above, but also because the numbers that came back from the lab were all bad. Bad news turns into awful news when so early in the game all your numbers and all your tests come back badly. For example, my FHS levels should be between 6-8. The higher the number usually indicates that the person is older. 25 is Menopause and 12 is age 38. My FSH was a 12.9. No bueno. Because my FSH is already so high, the Clomid will most likely have no effect... besides the side effects. Doc says Early Menopause may be a factor which is funny because my family history has no Early Menopause or Infertility.

I'm just lucky I guess.

Because of all this he is suggesting much more aggressive treatment. As in shots, which I realize is common in the Land of Infertility, but I have a really hard time with needles and shots.

Tomorrow morning I go in for more blood labs which will help give more conclusive numbers.

Wish me luck.