Seriously.

This past week has been exhausting. I don't think I have ever been so emotionally drained.

I'm not handling this whole ordeal very well. In fact, I'm not handling it well at all.

Before we knew things were this bad and were just trying, I was still so excited and happy to see my friends get pregnant and have their babies, then get pregnant again... A little jealous it wasn't me but I could still be happy for them. As of right now, my Facebook newsfeed has been plastered with new baby pictures, growing bump pictures, Babies first birthdays and pregnancy announcements.

Those are the worst.

Seeing their faces with huge smiles holding up a picture of the ultrasound and due date, and it absolutely kills me. I don't read many Blogs anymore mostly due the fact that it's all about their kids and what they are doing and I keep thinking "you have no idea how lucky you are."

Even before all of this started, I always felt bad for people with infertility problems. I felt awful for those trying so hard for one, but less bad for those who had kids already and were having trouble with conceiving their fourth or fifth or whatever they were on. Even now I feel like a bad person for feeling like that. They have absolutely no idea what it feels like to know that you may never have even just one of your own kids. Girls who are frustrated because they can count the number of months they've been trying on less than one hand and now I need three, and we're almost to four. What makes it worse is when they try to console you and say that they understand. But honestly, they have no idea in the world what it feels like.

This Sunday, I sat in church and looked at all the kids with their moms and it broke my heart. The last straw was when the kids then got up to sing Christmas songs. I told Mister I had to leave, it was way too hard for me to be around anyone that day let alone babies and siblings wearing matching outfits with bows in their hair.

I left sobbing, tears streaming down my face trying so hard for no one to see me but of course they did.

I know I'm not the only one struggling with this, but I'm also one of the 10% that have trouble meaning the majority of couples out there can't relate. The biggest thing I can't get out of my head is the fact that our Baby-Making-Doctor suggested we may need a donor egg meaning my babies wouldn't look like me. They'd look like their dad and some random lady I don't even know. And who is this person? Is she a druggy that needed drug money so she donated an egg? A poor college student who needed the money to pay for crappy food, a disgusting apartment and those super cute shoes she wanted? Was it someone who genuinely wanted to help couples like us?

When I was in college, one of my roommates donated some of her eggs. They paid about $3k per egg, plus her airfare to wherever they were doing the retrieval and her room and food while she was there. Back then I just thought it was weird she was doing it... and to be honest, a little funny. But now I feel even more weirded out about that.

I've been taking my Clomid and I can definitely feel it. It makes me cry about everything, it makes me moody, it makes me hot! Tonight I was driving home from work (my new part time job), and hit a red light. I started crying hysterically all because of the red light! I got home and told the Sperminator about that (get it?! Yeah, I made it up tonight) and he laughed. Then when I was making dinner I almost spilled again because I accidentally got corn starch instead of corn meal at the store on Saturday.

Thursday can't come soon enough. That's when I go in for my HSG test, follow up on all the blood work I had done on Saturday, and have the Hubs do his part. So far every time we've talked to the Doc he's only had bad news, and that includes the call on from Friday night at 8pm. Hoping to get more conclusive  numbers and some good news. As for right now, I just have to sit and wait.